Let us face the truth: there are much more subs craving to submit to a powerful woman, than good, trustable and experienced dommes. The demand is much higher vs. supply that is why your chances to find a lifestyle partner (a woman who would be in D/S relations with you without any tribute involved) are not non-existent but very low.
That is why it is quite natural that (if you can afford it), you can use services of a professional domme. A real pro domme is well educated, trustable, ensures all practices are safe, sane and consensual, and for your money gives you what you are really searching for. Either it is a ‘subspace’, a special state of mind during your session with a Dominatrix, stress relief or fulfilling your long-lasting hidden kinks and desires.
But I must warn you: in your searches of a pro domme, you can easily get abused, cheated or mislead. There are some reasons for that:
Being a new, inexperienced submissive, you often may not have any idea what is good and what is bad, how to define a good domme from a bad one, and whom you can trust? There are so many stereotypes and misconceptions about Dominatrices in our society!
Many women see domination as an easy way to get money or benefits from silly subs looking to submit. They do not care to get knowledge; they do not really enjoy BDSM practices and often mimic other ‘false dommes’ from web in their distorted idea of how a real Dominatrix should behave, doing this in a simple pursue of money.
Many new, inexperienced dommes are hiding their lack of experience or education, and while their attitude may not be abusive, their actions may lead to unintentional harm to your physical and mental health.
I will write my advice in your searches of a domme that can be especially relevant to small BDSM communities like Portugal where I am living. In many big cities in the world with big BDSM communities, it is much easier to find a good domme via word of mouth, recommendations and reputation on the local scene. However, many of my advices are universal and suit any place in the world.
Just like you would judge any other business, a real pro will have a good, well-designed personal web site with all the details about the session, the domme and her education and skills, with all her social networks. It should give you answers to all the questions you may potentially have.
If the web site is done on a free platform without her own domain, done very poorly or not existent at all, this is a bad sign, showing the domme is not serious about what she is doing.
Very often you can find dommes that only have Instagram, Twitter or Fetlife pages, or advertisements on local Sex Classifieds. How much trust you may have to such dommes? Seems like she does not earn enough on the sessions to pay for a good site creation?
Moreover if you see interesting blog posts and detailed information on the site, it makes the domme credible and investing time and efforts in her job.
Fetlife is a social network for kinky people; it is similar to Facebook for those involved in BDSM. A good domme cannot become a pro instantly; she should have an extensive record of being a lifestyle domme, when she is getting experience without being paid for that.
If she does not have a Fetlife account, that means she never got connected with the local community, never were interested in any local events, and I can almost 100% say that she does not have real experience in play with different submissives. This is a fake domme.
What you see in her account is also important. If you can see the account is new, or there are only a few advertising photos in different poses or photos taken from web, text saying she is a professional and will not tolerate anyone approaching her without payment, absolutely no photos from real sessions, these are all warning signs. This is a fake domme with few or no experience.
Forget about femdom porn where dominatrices are naked and have penetrative sex with their submissives. This is just not a real life! Real pro domme does not have sex with their clients, she focuses on you kink and roleplay fulfillment, but the whole sense of playing with a domme is to submit, not to fuck or get sexually pleased.
There are a lot of escort girls that are also offering ‘domination’ services. These are fake dommes! For them it is just a broadening the clientele, while female domination is a real craft that should be learnt and intensively practiced. Escort girls do not spend time and efforts to study this art and all they are interested is money. They never have good equipment or well-equipped places for sessions. If a ‘pro domme’ is also offering you sex or intimate worship, she is not a domme, she is a prostitute.
First thing you need to be interested about is a domme’s education. Even those who mostly learnt from their extensive experience get regular workshops, read books, learn from mentors. If a domme says she is a naturally dominant that practice based on her internal feeling and intuition, it’s a fake dome! Moreover, playing with her may be dangerous and harmful for both your physical and mental health.
Very often I can see that dommes are listing absolutely all the practices and kinks in a long unsorted list, without mentioning their preferences, practices which they are most experienced in, their soft limits (kinks that are not in their hard limits list but still not being offered or offered very selectively). For me it shows lack of experience and desire to earn money on everyone, without specialty, and this is not a sign of professionalism. Chaotic list of practices without grouping them also shows lack of knowledge.
With the current pandemic situation, it is very natural that many of subs are looking for online experiences rather than personal. Online domination is also often cheaper and gives a feeling of more ‘freedom’ for those subs shameful or shy of their kinks.
But do not make a mistake, do not interact with dommes that never had real life experience! Without personal contact and personal plays it is very hard to become a really good dominatrix, while transforming real sessions into proper online interaction is quite easy. And of course never hire a domme that is only playing online, for a real life session!
The number of these ‘insta dommes’ has boomed since the coronavirus pandemic, as unfortunately many girls see femdom as an easy way to get money, so often abuse their clients.
Humiliation is not a universal kink! If you see that a domme is calling everyone ‘paypigs’, ‘betas’ and other humiliating attributes, having many photos with spit, insulting gestures, and nothing more than that, this only means that this domme is inexperienced and does not have any clue of what she is doing. Submissive males are not betas by default and deserve respect and good attitude from a dominatrix. Avoid such fake dommes by any cost!
I recommend not chase specifically for the most beautiful appearance and especially young age of your domme. Sometimes most experienced and respectful dommes are the ones that are 40+, many are not of model appearance, and while it is really nice to play with a sexy, beautiful dominatrix, appearance is not same important as her dominatrix skills.
I see so many beautiful girls that have nice posing photos and videos, they look sexy, but when in real action, they lack confidence, experience, skills and fail give you real domination experience you are looking for.
A real pro has a lot of special, good quality equipment (that is actually one of the reasons why the Dominatrix services are not cheap!). If you see on her photos small floggers from artificial leather from a sex shop; few ‘vanilla’ items like handcuffs and a dildo; no or very few fetish wear, it means this domme is not a real pro. While a skillful dominatrix can make a brilliant session without any equipment involved, she always have a proper wardrobe and a lot of toys to be used in her sessions.
This point is a bit tricky, because very many dommes are faking reviews from clients, amount of gifts and money they receive from them, and it’s hard to understand whether she is saying the truth. But if there are no testimonials at all, it shows she is not really interested in getting feedback from her clients to develop and improve her sessions in future, which is always a warning sign.
For first time clients it’s super important to have a detailed conversation about interests and kinks, fantasies, limits, health issues, past experiences, expectations. If the domme you approached is not asking you almost anything, only requests prepayment and ready to make a session right away after you meet, it is a fake domme! A good domme would ask you a lot of questions by e-mail, requests to meet you before the session or wants to have a phone conversation about your future interaction. She would need time to tailor your session by your needs. If that is not happening, it is a fake domme!
Very often, such dommes either are scammers, or offer absolutely the same sessions to everyone, without individual needs. Such a session will not bring you any satisfaction.
A typical mistake of young inexperienced dommes that try to show themselves as experienced, is to start treating potential clients with a domme language (or ‘fake domme’ language), which shows disrespect, aloofness, hate, despise. A real pro will not start trying to dominate you right from the first message; she will be polite and talking to you as with an equal, as with a client. She will not require you to address her as Goddess, Mistress or any other honorific from the first application message, just because this should happen only within a session, not before. This is a real pro.
This is very important to understand that any moment of your session you can stop the action or leave it. A real pro will give you a safe word, but very often submissives think they will fail if they use it. Be conscious about all the risks! A skillful experienced domme will not lead the situation to the point where you have to say a safe word, but if you feel that the things going on can lead to real physical harm to you or are unaccepted for you for any reason, do not hesitate to stop! This is your health and you should be especially careful when playing with someone new.
This especially relates to the situation when during the session a domme is too sadistic, while you did not ask for that. Beating you hard without any warm up is not appropriate! It is not domination, it’s abuse.
Even if a domme asked you proper questions about your interests, it could happen that the session is completely not what you expected and asked for. It is obvious a domme is doing the same actions and saying the same words to everyone by the same script. This is a fake domme! A pro will always tailor a session to your kinks. And it is not service domination, because a real domme gets her pleasure from evoking special emotions from a submissive, and it is impossible if not taking into account what impacts him most.
A skillful domme will never leave you absorbed in your own thoughts during the session. She will make you focus on the things she wants you to focus on, she will make you think of what she wants you to think, and she will never leave you bored.
The whole purpose of a domination session is to push you into a special submissive space, where you switch off your thoughts, forget about your regular normal life, and become totally submersed into submission. If this does not happen, the domme is not a real domme, she is just playing the role for money.
Same happens if she is mechanically doing things, like flogging you or pegging or any other things, often repeating the same things again and again, without making it clear why she is doing this and what emotions she want you to feel. There is no connection in such a session, and you will feel frustrated and unsatisfied.
Verbal domination skills are one of most important for a domme. Without right words said with the right tone and in the right time, just in silence, the session will be empty, purposeless and boring. At the same time if humiliation is not your kink but her words are only rude, insulting, despiteful, again it only shows the domme is uneducated and inexperienced.
That is why I also do not recommend to have a session with a domme that only speaks the language you do not understand well. You will miss a huge part of the dominance/submission dynamics.
This often happens if you do hire an escort girl as a domme. Very often her ideas about female domination are based on porn, where dommes are naked, they force subs licking them or they do handjobs or footjobs. This is not femdom! These are escort services, and professional dommes do not offer them. You will not get the real experience you are looking for.