20 Things to Check When Choosing a Pro Dominatrix

Dominadora de Lisboa

Let us face the truth: there are much more subs craving to submit to a powerful woman, than good, trustable and experienced dommes. The demand is much higher vs. supply that is why your chances to find a lifestyle partner (a woman who would be in D/S relations with you without any tribute involved) are not non-existent but very low.

That is why it is quite natural that (if you can afford it), you can use the services of a professional domme. A real pro domme is well educated, trustable, ensures all practices are safe, sane and consensual, and for your money gives you what you are really searching for. Either it is a ‘subspace’, a special state of mind during your session with a Dominatrix, stress relief or fulfilling your long-lasting hidden kinks and desires.

But I must warn you: in your searches for a pro domme, you can easily get abused, cheated or misled. There are some reasons for that:

Lack of Information

Being a new, inexperienced submissive, you may often not have any idea of what is good and what is bad, how to define a good domme from a bad one, and whom you can trust? There are so many stereotypes and misconceptions about Dominatrices in our society!

Intentional Abuse

Many women see domination as an easy way to get money or benefits from inexperienced and naive subs looking to submit. They do not care to get knowledge; they do not really enjoy BDSM practices and often mimic other ‘false dommes’ from the web in their distorted idea of how a real Dominatrix should behave, doing this in a simple pursuit of money.

Lack of Experience

Many new, inexperienced dommes are hiding their lack of experience or education, and while their attitude may not be abusive, their actions may lead to unintentional harm to your physical and mental health.

I will write my advice in your search for a domme that can be especially relevant to small BDSM communities like Portugal where I am living. In many big cities in the world with large BDSM communities, it is much easier to find a good domme via word of mouth, recommendations and reputation on the local scene. However, many of my pieces of advices are universal and suit any place in the world.

Dominadora Lisboa

WEB PRESENCE

1. Web Site is Crucial

A real pro will have a good, well-designed personal website with all the details about the session, the domme and her education and skills, with all her social networks. It should give you answers to all the questions you may potentially have.

If the website is done on a free platform without her own domain, done very poorly or not existent at all, this is a bad sign, showing the domme is not serious about what she is doing.

Very often you can find dommes that only have Instagram, Twitter or Fetlife pages, or advertisements on local Sex Classifieds. How much trust you may have in such dommes? Seems like she does not earn enough on the sessions to pay for a good site creation?

Web Site Dominatrix

2. Photos/Videos from Sessions

There SHOULD be many photos from real sessions! (either on the web site or on social pages). Only staged photos and advertising videos without real photos is a red flag. Real session photos are usually not of a very good quality, as dommes are doing them during a session by a mobile phone, sometimes with low light, but they are a proof of a domme giving many real sessions, not faking her activity. 

Some dommes state that their clients never allow making photos during the sessions. I can tell you that is not true! 

First, good dommes always have non-paid slaves for personal growth (to try a new toy, or practice a new skill), and those slaves are usually also playing for free on a condition that photos with them will be shared (usually with a mask on).

Second, based on my extensive experience, a lot of clients ask me themselves to shoot them during the session, to keep the photos for their memory. Some even enjoy seeing photos with them published on my social pages! Of course, I ALWAYS ask for a permission for everything – for making a photo (I always try to hide their face), for publishing them (if they agree, I blur their faces or recognizable body features like tatoos and get their approval for each photo). 

Real dominatrices try to have those photos to prove their work, to share them on social pages and in OnlyFans, especially if they do something creative and skillful to share with the whole world.

So if you see a domme with great staged model photos, with a good site, with social pages – but without any mobile photos from real sessions or very basic photos (like her leg in a shoe next to a slave’s face), to a big extent she is a fake domme.

Dominatrix Mistress Elena Lisbon Portugal

3. Check her FetLife Account

Fetlife is a social network for kinky people; it is similar to Facebook for those involved in BDSM. A good domme cannot become a pro instantly; she should have an extensive record of being a lifestyle domme, when she is getting experience without being paid for that.

If she does not have a Fetlife account or it is (almost) empty, without session photos, that means she never got connected with the local community, never was interested in any local events, and I can almost 100% say that she does not have real experience in playing with different submissives. This is a fake domme.

Fetlife account

SELF PRESENTATION

4. Femdom is Sexual but is not Equal to Sex

Forget about femdom porn where dominatrices are naked and have penetrative sex with their submissives. This is just not real life! A real pro domme does not have sex with her clients. She focuses on your kink and roleplay fulfillment, but the whole sense of playing with a domme is to submit (while she is using her erotic power to control you), not to fuck or get sexually pleased.

There are a lot of escort girls that are also offering ‘domination’ services. These are fake dommes! For them it is just broadening the clientele, while female domination is a real craft that should be learnt and intensively practiced. Escort girls do not spend time and effort to study this art and all they are interested in is money. They never have good equipment or well-equipped places for sessions. If a ‘pro domme’ is also offering you sex or intimate worship, she is not a domme, she is a prostitute.  On some ad platforms those services are called “Fetish Escort” as opposed to “Dominatrices”.

Escort ‘dommes’ do not understand the main thing about femdom: a real female power is in teasing and denying, being seductive, desired, but always unreachable, someone higher then a slave and never going down to his level. See my article on this topic >>

Another thing is safety. Just think of a girl that is offering intimate worship professionally, how many guys are licking her daily without any protection? Do you want to be the next one?

Dominatrix or Prostitute?

5. Femdom is an Art and Science that needs Extensive Education

Always check the domme’s education. Even those who mostly learnt from their extensive experience get regular workshops, read books and learn from mentors. If a domme says she is naturally dominant in that practice based on her internal feeling and intuition, it’s a fake domme! Moreover, playing with her may be dangerous and harmful for both your physical and mental health.

When you are new in the scene, it’s very difficult to understand if a domme is really knowledgable. Ask her who she was learning from! Google search the names of those educators, even contact them to check if a domme really studied from them! Educational workshops for professionals are happening online almost every day! Ask her, what was the last online workshop she attended? No ongoning education is a huge read flag!

Dominatrix Education

6. List of Offered Services

Very often I can see that dommes are listing absolutely all the practices and kinks in a long unsorted list, without mentioning their preferences, practices which they are most experienced in, their soft limits (kinks that are not in their hard limits list but still not being offered or offered very selectively). For me it shows lack of experience and desire to earn money out of everyone, without specialty, and this is not a sign of professionalism. Chaotic list of practices without grouping them also shows lack of knowledge.

7. Online vs. Offline

Even if you only look for a domme for online experience, do not make a mistake, do not interact with dommes that never had real life experience! Without personal contact and personal plays it is very hard to become a really good dominatrix, while transforming real sessions into proper online interaction is quite easy.  And of course never hire a domme that is only playing online, for a real life session!  

The number of these ‘insta dommes’, as well as ‘dominatrix’ cam girls, has boomed since the coronavirus pandemic, as unfortunately many girls see femdom as an easy way to get money, so they often abuse their clients.

8. Hate Speech & Insulting Photos

Humiliation is not a universal kink! If you see that a domme is calling everyone ‘paypigs’, ‘betas’ and other humiliating attributes, having many photos with spit, insulting gestures, and nothing more than that, this only means that this domme is inexperienced and does not have any clue of what she is doing. Submissive males are not betas by default and deserve respect and good attitude from a dominatrix. Avoid such fake dommes at any cost!

9. Appearance & Age

I recommend not chasing specifically for the most beautiful appearance and especially young age of your domme. Usually most experienced and respectful dommes are the ones that are 40+, many are not of model appearance, and while it is really nice to play with a sexy, beautiful dominatrix, appearance is not as important as her dominatrix skills.

I see so many beautiful girls that have nice posing photos and videos, they look sexy, but when in real action, they lack confidence, experience, skills and fail to give you the real domination experience you are looking for.

Another point: some dommes are trying hard to hide their real body type showing only their faces or heavily editing their photos. It’s not a secret that Size+ dommes are less demanded (sometimes completely unjustified, see my comment about model look above). There are a lot of size+ pro dommes in the world which are highly demanded specifically because of their look! But when a domme is actually hiding her real body trying to appear who she is not, that is a big red flag! If she is faking her appearance, what if she fakes all the rest – her skills, knowledge, experience?

Mature Dominatrix

10. No Faces / No Headshots

Some professional dommes hide their face and it is normal. Usually those dommes are using masks or blur recognizable parts of their face (usually eyes). But if a domme is completely cutting her head or completely blur her face, for me that is a read flag! Very often it is a scam or agency, for them it will be very easy to replace one girl by another of similar appearance.

11. Cheap & Few Equipment

A real pro domme has a lot of special, good quality equipment (that is actually one of the reasons why the Dominatrix services are not cheap!). If you see on her photos small floggers from artificial leather from a sex shop; few ‘vanilla’ items like handcuffs and a dildo; no or very few fetish wear, it means this domme is not a real pro. While a skillful dominatrix can make a brilliant session without any equipment involved, she always has a proper wardrobe and a lot of toys to be used in her sessions.

The most simple check: 

  • ask where she ordered her leather implements (floggers, whips)? Professional ones cannot be ordered in sex shop or Amazon! They are only ordered directy from leather BDSM toy professionals!
  • ask is she has genuine latex (not PVC) in her wardrobe? Latex is very expensive, while PVC has the same wet look but much cheaper. Real dommes always have at least one latex item in her wardrobe. 
bdsm floggers

12. Studio/Dungeon to Play

It is normal if a domme does not have a studio/dungeon of her own, but she can always rent one. Only in very small towns there are no places to rent! They exist in Lisbon as well (For example I offer my room to other pros!). Can you be serious about a domme that is playing in her own bedroom with a couple of cheap floggers on the walls?

I can also see some dommes are calling their bedrooms or massage rooms ‘fully equipped dungeons’. It is always easy to understand if she is telling the truth – there should be photos with real BDSM furniture. Andrew’s cross, a spanking bench, a cage, a suspension point – at least one of those is needed for the professional play!  

Lisboon BDSM Dungeon

13. Testimonials

This point is a bit tricky, because many dommes are faking reviews from clients, amount of gifts and money they receive from them, and it’s hard to understand whether they are telling the truth. But if there are no testimonials at all, it shows they are not really interested in getting feedback from their clients to develop and improve their sessions in the future, which is always a warning sign.

The nature of testimonials is also important. Short, typical phrases, very similar words = reviews are probably fake.

INITIAL COMMUNICATION

14. Proper Negotiation

For first time clients it’s super important to have a detailed conversation about interests and kinks, fantasies, limits, health issues, past experiences, expectations BEFORE the play. If the domme you approached is not asking you almost anything, only requests prepayment and is ready to make a session right away after you meet, it is a fake domme! A good domme would ask you a lot of questions by e-mail, requests to meet you before the session or wants to have a phone/video conversation about your future interaction. She would need time to tailor your session by your needs. If that is not happening, it is a fake domme!

Very often, such dommes either are scammers, or offer absolutely the same sessions to everyone, without individual needs. Such a session will not bring you any satisfaction.

Dominatrix Negotiation

15. Diminishing Language

A typical mistake of young inexperienced dommes that try to show themselves as experienced, is to start treating potential clients with a domme language (or ‘fake domme’ language), which shows disrespect, aloofness, hate, despise. A real pro will not start trying to dominate you right from the first message; she will be polite and talk to you as an equal, as with a client. She will not require you to address her as Goddess, Mistress or any other honorific title from the first application message, just because this should happen only within a session, not before. This is a real pro.

SESSION

16. Too Much Sadism when it’s not Your Kink

This is very important to understand that any moment of your session you can stop the action or leave it. A real pro will give you a safe word, but very often submissives think they will fail if they use it. Be conscious about all the risks! A skillful experienced domme will not lead the situation to the point where you have to say a safe word, but if you feel that the things going on can lead to real physical harm to you or are unacceptable to you for any reason, do not hesitate to stop! This is your health and you should be especially careful when playing with someone new.

This especially relates to the situation when during the session a domme is too sadistic, while you did not ask for that. Beating you hard without any warm up is not appropriate! It is not domination, it’s abuse.

Sadistic Mistress

17. Your Kinks are not Considered

Even if a domme asked you proper questions about your interests, it could happen that the session is completely not what you expected and asked for. It is obvious a domme is doing the same actions and saying the same words to everyone by the same script. This is a fake domme! A pro will always tailor a session to your kinks. And it is not service domination, because a real domme gets her pleasure from evoking special emotions from a submissive, and it is impossible if not taking into account what impacts him most.

18. Session is Boring

A skillful domme will never leave you absorbed in your own thoughts during the session. She will make you focus on the things she wants you to focus on, she will make you think of what she wants you to think, and she will never leave you bored. 

The whole purpose of a domination session is to push you into a special submissive space, where you switch off your thoughts, forget about your regular normal life, and become totally submerged into submission. If this does not happen, the domme is not a real domme, she is just playing the role for money. For that reason a pro domme will never ask you difficult questions during the play nor make you speak much, because this will pull you out of subspace.

Same happens if she is mechanically doing things, like flogging you or pegging or any other things, often repeating the same things again and again, without making it clear why she is doing this and what emotions she wants you to feel. There is no connection in such a session, and you will feel frustrated and unsatisfied.

Dominatrix Session

19. Verbal Domination

Verbal domination skills are one of most important for a domme. Without the right words said with the right tone and at the right time, just in silence, the session will be empty, purposeless and boring. At the same time if humiliation is not your kink but her words are only rude, insulting, despiteful, again it only shows the domme is uneducated and inexperienced.

That is why I also do not recommend having a session with a domme that only speaks the language you do not understand well. You will miss a huge part of the dominance/submission dynamics.

20. Too Much Sex

This often happens if you do hire an escort girl as a domme. Very often her ideas about female domination are based on porn, where dommes are naked, they force subs licking them or they do handjobs or footjobs. This is not femdom! These are escort services, and professional dommes do not offer them. You will not get the real experience you are looking for.

If you have any questions or comments on this guide, you are welcome to contact me by e-mail.

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